A safe space for yards in crisis.
Submit your landscaping disasters for a professional diagnosis, a clinical severity rating, and a compassionate intervention letter your yard definitely can't read.
* We are not professionals. We are not licensed. We barely have a website.
Photograph the yard in question. Drive-bys accepted. Bonus points for gnomes, tire planters, or year-round Christmas lights.
Our board of unlicensed lawn therapists assesses the damage, assigns a severity level, and identifies all active conditions.
Get a shareable diagnosis card for your socials. Forward the intervention letter. Tag the yard if you're brave enough.
Lawn is a bit shaggy. Weeds present but not yet forming a society. Still has potential with light encouragement.
Decorative rocks with unclear intent. Mismatched mulch. A fountain that hasn't worked since the first Obama term.
Visible tire planters. Painted rocks spelling something. A gravel "feature" that's just a pile. The lawn is coping, not thriving.
Multiple gnome colonies. Christmas & Easter decorations coexisting. A bathtub Madonna. This lawn has seen things.
The yard has transcended aesthetics. It is making a statement. We just don't know what. Refer to specialist immediately.
3+ gnomes is a collection. 7+ is a community. 12+ is a government. We don't judge. Okay, we judge a little. Further findings redacted.